When people talk about getting over a breakup, this is usually from the perspective of the person who has been left by their partner. However, it should not be forgotten that the one who decided to break with their partner, also can have a hard time.
They often even have it worse than the other party. And sometimes much worse.
That’s why we’re going to try to write an article that will help you get through one of the worst moments in your relationship.
1. Plan ahead
Consider all the changes that will happen as a result. Things can be complicated if you’ve been sharing a house with the other person, for example, or if you have a joint bank account, or if you move to a new city as a result.
There may be money issues involved.
Make sure you have another place to stay and decide whether you will make the move before or after “the talk”.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to your loved ones to help you explore your options and reorganise your life.
2. Always break up in person and, if possible, do not do it in public
Unless your partner has done something horrible, like mistreating you. In that case it is best to leave without looking back and certainly without saying goodbye.
Someone who mistreats their partner is dangerous and does not deserve any kind of goodbye.
But if this is not the case, always break up in person.
The best place to break up with your partner is somewhere that is secluded and solitary. You don’t want to do this at home, so that you can leave whenever you want, even if it means it has to be in public. If you have “the talk” at home the situation can become untenable if the person you are breaking up with does not want to leave.
3. Do not try to make the other person feel better
This includes giving false hope or being too patronising. Once you have broken up with the other person, their feelings are not your responsibility. Remember that you are doing what you are doing for a number of very powerful reasons – there is almost never just one.
So if you are feeling guilty, know that it is normal. But you can’t let it get the better of you.
And for God’s sake, don’t have break up sex.
Imagine you hug her to make her feel better and you start to get angry because you wish things had worked out. Suddenly you’re crying too and wondering if you’re not making a mistake, because things were fucking great once. Then you’re taking your clothes off and crying and smiling and crying again and laughing even more and things are getting more passionate than they have in the last two years… STOP!
What! Are! You! Doing!
There are many things you can do to move forward and forget about your ex. Sex is not one of them.
4. Be honest and clear about your feelings
That means telling the truth about what you feel without saying anything vague or beating around the bush. Okay, you’re breaking up, I know it’s hard, but you have to find a balance between your desire to end the situation as soon as possible and how to do it in the best possible way for your (future) ex-partner.
Important: the only exception to this is to say that you’re leaving because you’ve fallen in love with someone else.
5. Stay in control
Listen to everything your ex has to say, but don’t let them call the shots. Answer all the questions they ask you, but don’t let it become an interrogation.
6. Avoid saying hurtful things
You can talk about what has gone wrong, as long as you don’t dwell on the details. Don’t use hurtful words and try to be respectful. Things may have gone wrong but they don’t have to get worse.
7. Be prepared for their reaction
You know your (future) ex-partner better than anyone, so try to gauge their reaction to the break up, so you are prepared for whatever can happen. Many people, in a desperate attempt to prevent a relationship from ending, do and say things to manipulate you into staying with them.
Tears are acceptable, probably on both fronts, but that is it. Promises of change aren’t. Do not listen to these. Typical phrases like “if you leave me it will kill me” and more of that sort are nothing more than crude manipulations.
8. Don’t force a friendship
It is a classic. People feel bad when they break up with their partner, so they try to minimize the damage and say things like: “we can be friends”.
That may be the case, but it’s going to take some time.
Otherwise you’re just going to create confusion. And that’s the last thing you want.
I remember that when I broke up with my first girlfriend my last words were “I’ll call you”. I didn’t have to say them, because it was a lie but I said them. “I’ll call you”
Well, what did she understand? “I LOVE YOU”.
Imagine what a disaster the next few minutes were.
“No, no. I don’t love you, I´ll call you. I said, I’ll call you”.
9. Take care of yourself
In theory, your partner has got the worst of it, but that doesn’t mean you’re having a good time. Breaking up with someone makes you look like a horrible human being and, in fact, your feelings are going to be quite confused for a while.
The sense of freedom that accompanies the person breaking up blends with the sense of guilt about having hurt someone.
So be careful. The emotional roller coaster can lead you down the wrong path.
The path of excess confidence, sporadic relationships, nightlife… You can imagine it yourself.
Don’t go that way. It is much better that the change be for the better. Instead, go exercise, take up old hobbies. That sort of thing.
10. Review practical issues
If the relationship was very advanced you will have to split your possessions in two, change your addresses at the bank, and those type of things.
And I’m not even talking about whether you have children, a mortgage or pets in common yet.
That complicates everything so much, that it would take a whole new article to explain everything.
The important thing here is that you choose your moment carefully. It is usually better to wait a while before taking the plunge.
Shag: the return to single life that you deserve
The day will come when all those bad feelings you have become bearable. And the next thing you know is that you have no more hurt feelings.
That’s the perfect time to join Shag, the largest community of liberal people in England.
These are people who find all kinds of relationships at the simple click of a button. Looking for a friend with benefits? This is the place to go. Looking for something more stable? It still is. Do you travel often and would you like to get in touch with people from other cities before you go? That’s also great.
Joining is completely free. What have you got to lose?
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