When you are looking for a woman to have a stable relationship with – especially on dating sites like Shag.co.uk – you can find various. The problem arises, however, when you think you are in love with two people at the same time.
It may either seem like bad fortune or a blessing, depending on your circumstances. Some people say it is not possible, however, is a growing normalization of the subject thanks new emerging topics such as polyamory.
The thing is, things are rarely black or white. Normally, any fact, unless we dig deeper into it, sits in a grey area full of nuances.
There are only a few situations in life that are a simple choice between two options.
So, when asked the question “Can you be in love with two people at the same time?” there is no right or wrong answer.
That’s why we have sought the opinion of two experts in the field.
Thomas Priddy is a psychologist who specialises in couples therapy and believes that it is possible. Mary Hunt is also a psychologist and is not so sure about it.
Let’s see what they both think.
I am in love with two people
Imagine that you are looking for a partner on Shag.co.uk – the most popular online dating and shagging site in the United Kingdom – and two beautiful women start flirting with you. When the time comes, the situation may arise where you find yourself in love with both of them.
If you think you are in love with two people at the same time, Thomas Priddy believes the following: “Scientifically speaking, if we are talking about neuroscience, psychology and sociology, the thing is clear:
“It is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. It’s another thing if cultural pressure pushes you into a conflict. But if we measure the chemical reactions related to love and physical attraction, we will see that they can be activated in the same way simultaneously in front of two different people.” |
“On the other hand, the question is tricky” – he continues – “or, if you like, incomplete. There are many kinds of love. A consensual relationship between three people, for example, is not the same as shagging someone nearby before coming home from work without your wife knowing. In the latter scenario it is when mixed feelings often come into play”.
The conversation with Priddy is really interesting. The therapist believes that it is possible to love two people at the same time. The thing is that in the West, love has always been related to monogamy. It is an exclusive love.
“If you love your wife, there can be no feelings towards another person because that is supposed to be wrong,” he concludes.
From a social and cultural point of view we have been educated to believe in monogamy – in fact polygamy us completely foreign to us – and this idea is the basis on which most of us build relationships, but there are people who believe in other types of relationships, where there is room for shared love.
In any case, they are a minority. Most people experience a variable amount of suffering – depending on many factors – when they love more than one person simultaneously.
What to do when a man is indecisive about two women
When a man is indecisive about two women, Mary Hunt is not sure what to think about the situation.
“Many men, just because they’re sexting with someone, think they’re having an affair, and that’s not always the case.”
“Besides, most of the time it is not love, but a biological drive. Men are biologically programmed to perpetuate their genes. So, many times, that’s all it is: sexual appetite,” says Hunt.
Her point of view is interesting. Is she saying that men cheat more on their partners than women and that this is due to their biology?
“Not exactly,” she replies, “Nowadays biology has been overtaken by culture and the social environment. As women have become emancipated, they have also become sexually liberated, so it is perfectly normal for a woman to be the unfaithful one in a marriage.”
Mary Hunt does not rule out the possibility to be in love with two people at the same time, but she believes that this is extremely rare.
“The feeling of love at the beginning of a relationship is so intense that you don’t want anyone else. It is a hoarding feeling. It is difficult to eat, sleep and do anything other than be with the loved one to such an extent that it becomes almost suffocating. With these feelings filling up everything, it’s impossible for anyone else to fit in.
Then she continues:
“On top of that, timing is a problem. If you have been with your partner for a long time and you love her, this is a more complete love, more based on complicity, trust and respect than the storm of dopamine and oxytocin in your brain you experience in the first weeks of being with someone.
So if you meet someone, when you have been together with your partner for some time, and you fall in love with someone else, there are two different kinds of love at play. You might concede that you can love two people at once, but not in the same way.”
That makes sense.
Who should you choose when you are in love with two people?
1. You need to get to know as much as you can about your options
Forget about having 100% of the information, but at least try to gather as much as possible. If you are going to choose you must have all the information you possibly can. You don’t want to find yourself with a surprise child you didn’t know about, end up with someone who is mentally ill, or simply date someone who is different to what you expected. Or maybe they do end up being who you think they are, but you will have to know that first, to be able to evaluate your options.
Something similar happened to me once. I liked two girls and I didn’t know which one to choose. One day, talking to one of them, I found out that she was going to live with her family in Glasgow.
Having a relationship with someone in Glasgow was not possible whilst living in Crowley.
I don’t know if I have explained myself well enough.
| To choose is to renounce. When you accept that, it will be easier for you to make a decision. |
2. The project of life is vital (excuse the pleonasm)
Imagine that you have fallen madly in love with a trapeze artist who is extremely hot – come on, try your best to imagine it – and that she lives on the road, with her circus. You are an accountant and you love your wife, with whom you have 3 adorable children and with whom you have just bought a home in an area you love.
If you decide to pick the trapeze artist, you are crazy. Your life is going to be exciting for a while, but soon it’s going to slip down the drain of reality. Unless you are very good at juggling – which is highly unlikely in the case of an accountant – your adventure will soon be over.
Love that lasts is when you leave enough space for the other person, whilst at the same time sharing your life project.
There is a film that talks about this a thousand times better than me, it’s called The Bridges of Madison County, and it’s beautiful.
SPOILER ALERT: THIS CLIP SHOWS THE FINAL SCENE OF THE BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY. DON’T HIT PLAY IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE. IT’S ONE OF THE BEST ENDINGS IN THE HISTORY OF THE CINEMA.
3. Choose the mature one
Life always moves forward. Growing up is inevitable. Maturity will come to you, sooner or later. For only become it their deathbed, but they do become mature. And your partner too. So why postpone the inevitable?
Being an immature adult is a source of unhappiness. It’s all good and well whilst you’re getting drunk and bathing in a fountain on a Sunday night, but on Monday you’re going to regret it. And if you don’t regret it, it’s because you don’t have a job. And if you’re an adult and you don’t work… do you see where I’m going?
Watch out, being mature doesn’t mean that you can’t be spontaneous and impulsive at times, make risky decisions or even do the odd crazy thing. It doesn’t mean that you can’t get to the heart of life.
Being mature means no longer seeing yourself as a victim of circumstances. To stand on your own two feet, to see yourself capable of facing up to adversity.
To be mature is to know that “Carpe Diem” means “seize the day” not “I’m going to set myself on fire tonight”. It means knowing that life is short and acting accordingly.
4. Choose the joyful one
Joy is the supreme good. Everything is wanted for something. You want a car to go on a trip. Or a house to live in. You want to travel to see the world and grow as a person. But… what do you want joy for? Well… to be happy. There is nothing more than happiness.
Therefore, there is no better goal in life than joy.
So, what better companion in life than a happy person?
If she is cheerful and intelligent, that’s even better. But intelligence is often overrated. It’s very seductive, all right, but in the journey of life, most of the time you’re going to need affection before you need intelligence. And affection and joy are cousin sisters.
Don’t get me wrong, there has to be some intelligence, of course. A good life partner should also stimulate you intellectually.
5. Choose the kind one
The world is already full of bad people. Choose the person you think has the most kindness in them.
6. Choose the one who has an active life
If she has a passion or several, you can have your space. Otherwise, all her free time will be spent with you and that, in the long run, can take its toll.
So, is it possible to love two people at the same time or not?
Loving two people at the same time is a complex situation and from our blog we do not want to be categorical, nor tell you what to think. That’s why we’ve preferred to give you the points of view of two experts who think differently so that you can draw your own conclusions.
At the end of the day, if you have made it this far, you’re a big boy, don’t you think?
