Fear is like a pressure cooker. And this when the world is more connected than ever. Family, Friends and partners, hundreds or even thousands of miles away, can jump on a plane and arrive in time for dinner.
In the big cities around the world, millions of people from different countries and cultures mix every day.
It’s as if time and space had lost meaning, bringing together all types of people and with them their ideas, their fears and their values. Amongst other things
But many people feel alone.
What does feeling alone mean?
For starters feeling alone isn’t the same as being alone. You can be on a desert Island in paradise with a cocktail waiter as your only companion and not feel alone and have recently arrived in the most densely populated city on earth and feel completely alone.
Loneliness is more than a incomprehensible feeling, of disconnection, of feeling like nobody understands you.
And how does someone arrive at feeling lonely in a relationship or when they’re surrounded by people?
There’s many factors that influence a generation and the potency of this feeling, which, normally, appears bit by bit
It may be that you haven’t been taking care of your friendships in favour of an absorbing job. It may be that you’ve isolated yourself from your family because of some dispute with one of them or perhaps you’re timid and have a habit of distancing yourself from others
Feeling lonely in a relationship
Out of all the different ways one can feel lonely, perhaps the worst is feeling lonely in a relationship. Because it’s very difficult to experience emotional distance in the place where before there was reciprocity, connection, respect, love and complicity.
The worst of all is that this situation usually arises little by little and appears in ways that are difficult to perceive. Forgetting about some detail, letting routine take over, not feeling like doing things together.
When was the last time that you felt like writing a love letter to your partner? Or when did you do something she wasn’t expecting? When did you last have a meaningful conversation about the relationship?
All of these questions need answering to know how to address loneliness in a relationship, although difficult, it can be resolved.
Even harder is if you’re asking yourself, why don’t I have a girlfriend? The day after she left.
How to stop feeling lonely
1. Don’t blame yourself in any way or form
Blame doesn’t serve you in any way, except to make yourself feel worse. The reality is that the feeling of loneliness you’re experiencing is multi-causal.
A ton of conditions have to be present in your life for what is happening to you to be happening.
And the majority are out of your control, so it’s not your fault.
2. Look for happiness in non-human friends
Like pets for example.
Perhaps the most effective of all pets is a dog. Dogs, because of their versatility and characteristics, are a marvellous antidote against loneliness.
They’re the most loyal and caring domesticated animals in the animal kingdom. But more importantly they’ll never judge you.
But it’s not necessary for you to take responsibility for another being to alleviate your loneliness.
Film and literature can be great consolation.
3. How to overcome loneliness. Contact a human friend if possible
Ok, at times it’s difficult to break the vicious circle of not calling someone because it’s been so long since you last called, but if you know someone that always supports you, or who simply makes you laugh, call them.
It doesn’t matter how long it’s been.
At times a simple email can make you stop feeling so scared at being alone, or more directly, the sadness and loneliness that occur when you’re not sharing your life with someone.
4. Do something creative, however simple it is
You don’t have to write the Divine Comedy, or compose a symphony. But do create something that didn’t exist before and enjoy the process.
It could be arts and crafts, cooking or anything else. Even colouring in a childrens colouring book.
What’s important is the transformation. That something changes.
So you see that you can change too.
5. Volunteer
Firstly, because helping others means that you stop putting the attention so much on yourself and secondly because helping others means relating with others.
Helping people in need will familiarise you with a feeling that’s doesn’t occur in people who feel lonely involuntary: gratitude.
Gratitude towards you from the person receiving the help and the gratitude you feel for having been able to help someone.
6. Do you know someone in your situation. Help them with their loneliness
If you know someone who’s feeling lonely perhaps you could send them an encouraging message or try to meet up with them.
The simple fact of contacting and maintaining a conversation will help to relieve the loneliness for both of you.
7. Visualise a place where you’d like to be and try to feel happy for those that are actually there
It may seem alien, but it generally works. Visualisation techniques have been used in psychology since the discipline existed.
And it’s well known that feeling happy for others makes one happy.
Try out the exercise for short periods of time and you’ll see how you feel happier and at least a little less alone.
8. Treat loneliness like an old friend who’s visiting (in spite of not having received an invitation
Or something similar, don’t resist the negative feeling. Don’t fight it. It’s better to surf it. And for this, the best thing is to say “ok, you’re here, you’re welcome, but you know that I’m only going to let you stay for a bit, soon you’ll have to go somewhere else.
Believe me, it’s a very effective way to overcome loneliness.
9. Remember that life is not always a barrel of laughs and that tomorrow is a new day
Nobody can be upbeat all the time and, let’s be honest, life isn’t always fun. That’s true for everyone. The conclusion is that loneliness is one of those unpleasant things in life. That’s all. In the words of Rainer Maria Rilke. “ not feeling is forever”, so feeling alone doesn’t have to be the exception.
If you can be patient with your loneliness, it’s likely that tomorrow it will have reduced a little. Then, the next day, it’s likely that it’s reduced even more. All emotions are ephemeral. They come and go.
10. How to stop feeling lonely. Use the internet to socialise
The world is full of lonely people that want to talk with other lonely people. The internet is the solution. I’m not saying that you flirt every day with girls and guys at the first exchange. But social networks can be a great way to meet people.
Shag: the best dating website for how to overcome loneliness
If you’re feeling alone these days it’s because you haven’t come across Shag. No other explanation occurs to me. We’re talking about monthly traffic of six hundred thousand different people looking for something. From casual sex, to a trio, to finding a stable relationship, or, simply, friendship.
Sometimes people are only looking for a bit of cybersex. And joining Shag is completely free.
And you? What are you looking for?
